Yoga gives your core an epic workout – not only because you’re manoeuvring your body into pretzel-like positions, but also because you’re desperately clenching to prevent accidental arse acoustics.
And this mum’s account of her failure in the latter will have you in hysterics. 31-year-old Laura Mazza, a mother-of-two from Melbourne, posted the epic tale on Facebook, and the post has quickly gone viral with over 38,000 likes and 20,000 shares.
“I’d like to say I’m making this story up, but alas no,” she begins.
Laura explains that having kids has separated her abdominals like “Moses parting the Red Sea” and that her physio suggested yoga to help fix it. After finding a pair of yoga pants that looks less “bally-y”, paired with her regular nanna jocks (“no time for g strings here”) she entered the class full of candles.
“I’m thinking, holy sh*t this is real yoga, not like 5, 6, 7, 8 and stretccchh… this is ‘i’m going to go to a high place of enlightenment’ right here.”
After some awkward introductions, things were looking up.
“We started doing these random positions, moving into the upward facing dog and I feel a nice crack in my back, thinking i can do this…I totally love yoga. I am a yoga girl!! Look at me so fit right now,” she writes.
But not for long.
“We move into the downward facing dog… and that’s when I started to feel my guts.”
“Now for the past few weeks I have had IBS Symptoms like something crazy. My farts stink like something mixed between a rotten egg and an incineration plant.”
“And somewhere between the dolphin position and the three legged dog two of those burning garbage eggs slip out and I fart.”
“I’m thinking, do I leave? Do I leave the country? Is this happening?? IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? Not only do I look like a slob but now I stink too.”
However, she persevered.
“I gather my resolve and say you know what? Whatever. Everyone farts and I can’t help it. I continue attempting these ridiculous positions and suck in my core. Fitness here we come.”
“We then go down on this position where we stretch right out but our legs are like a frog on the floor. The teacher then came around and pushed everyone down lower… I thought oh good, gonna get a nice crack in my back again. I hold in my butthole nice and tight to make sure no farts escape again.”
Hey mama hiding in the bathroom, needing that one single minute to herself. Feeling sad and overwhelmed and guilty…. I see you. Hey mama that's so tired she would give anything to just close her eyes and sleep, but is struggling to carry through the day… I see you. Hey mama laying in bed at night crying, wondering how she will face another day… feeling guilty for the times she yelled today because of frustration, isolation and exhaustion. I see you. Hey mama who has ordered takeaway because she's too exhausted physically and emotionally to cook. I see you. Hey mama living off coffee and cake because she's so tired, feeling guilty because she's just too tired to cook, eating a block of chocolate in the cupboard… I hope no one sees you and you eat that chocolate in peace ? Hey mama looking in the mirror, looking at the way she's changed, at her tired eyes. I see you. You're beautiful. Hey mama that's trying to fit in that outfit because she wants to feel like she's still got it. Babe I see you, and you still got it outfit or not. Hey mama who's child is throwing a tantrum, they always seem to do it when everyone is watching right? I feel you. Hey mama feeling guilty and like she is unworthy, the mama who feels alone in those four walls doesn't matter how many voices are around her. Who finds some days just too hard to leave the house. I see you. Motherhood is the hardest hood we will ever walk through. Some days will be and feel beautiful and others will feel like you've been swallowed whole and spat out – I know on those days you feel alone and like no one can see you. But we see you mama, we see you. All of us are struggling at some point of the day, none of us have it all together, and that's okay. Because you and I, we are amazing, we are worthy, and we are enough. You are doing your best. Your children are healthy, they are fed, they are loved in all the ways their little hearts deserve. And the world sees that mama, the world sees all you can do despite your exhaustion, your frustration, your loneliness or your bad days, and mama your children see that…your children see you, and in their eyes, in their eyes mama, you're a queen.
Unfortunately, she explains that the yoga teacher chose that moment to help her with the manoeuvre.
“She comes over… pushes my back down… And buuuuuuuuuurrppppfffffff. The loudest trumpet comes out of my ass.”
“OH MY GOD. Sweet baby Jesus. What just happened. I’m dreaming. Surely. I’m in a nightmare.”
At this point Laura bolted out of the class.
“I turn around just as I’m closing the door And look up embarrassed to see everyone on their knees wide eyed staring at me in shock… (or in an awake coma from the smell).”
“Now I’m sitting at McDonald’s eating a sundae crying and laughing,” she added.
“Sorry physio. I’m never ever ever EVER, doing yoga again. F*ck the muscle separation.”
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