I’m caught between mum and dad after their split

Dear Coleen

My parents divorced a couple of years ago after mum found out my dad was having an affair with another woman. He left and moved in with her and they’ve recently had a baby.

My mum on the other hand seems unable to put what happened behind her and move on.

My sister and I are both in our ­twenties and don’t live at home any more and we worry about her.

She’s had a string of bad boyfriends who just seem to use her and then dump her, she probably drinks too much and still bad-mouths my dad all the time too.

She wants my sister and me to come and stay for a week over Christmas, but my dad also wants us to visit him, his girlfriend and our baby brother.

We don’t want to upset my mum, but we’d like to spend at least some of the time with our dad. I’m expecting her to go ballistic, though.

We know dad really hurt our mum and he shouldn’t have cheated. It’s caused so much heartache. However, he’s still our dad, we love him and he’s made a big effort to make amends, not just with us, but with our mum, too.

We want to help our mum, but she really hates the fact we still see our dad. Can you help?

Coleen says

You and your sister are both adults now and therefore can make your own decisions. However, your mum ­probably needs you more than your dad right now. It sounds like he’s happy with his partner and their new baby, while your mum is still ­struggling day-to-day. So consider that when you’re thinking about how to divide up that week over Christmas. Maybe you spend five days with her and two with your dad and his family, or at least weight it in your mum’s favour.

Reassure her that you love her and are there to support her but, at the same time, you can’t not see your dad.

And while you hate what he did to her, he’s still your father and you and your sister shouldn’t be put in a ­position where you are forced to choose between your parents.

On the days you won’t be with her, why not see if there are any other family or friends around, who your mum could spend some time with?

Also, I think if you have a heart-to-heart with your mum, put forward the idea of counselling to her. It would be a way for her to release all that anger she’s got swirling around inside.

I think she needs to talk about the betrayal with a professional who’s not emotionally involved and also start to love and value herself again before she gets into another relationship.

Good luck.

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