Dear Coleen – ‘I find it impossible to say no but I’m struggling too’

Dear Coleen

I’m a single woman in my 40s with two grown-up sons and I’m the person everyone comes to for advice and help.

I haven’t had an easy time over the past 20 years – my parents died suddenly, I went through a very painful and acrimonious divorce, and I’ve lost several other important people in my life to illness and suicide.

It’s been really tough.

I take on other people’s problems and find myself unable to say no, even when I’m at breaking point myself.

Recently, a close friend has been going through a divorce and she leans on me a lot. I find myself looking after her children and organising her life while my own is in disarray.

It’s emotionally draining, too, and there’s no space for me. I want to help her, but I feel she’s taking me for granted and isn’t there when I need her.

It’s especially hard right now as my son is having a lot of problems, but my friend doesn’t seem to ­acknowledge this. Have you any advice? I don’t want to lose her friendship.

Coleen says

Sometimes other people’s problems can distract you from your own and, perhaps unconsciously, you’re taking them on because it’s too painful to face up to yours.

You’ve been through an awful lot over the past 20 years and I wonder if you’ve sought professional help in the form of therapy or if you’ve just battled through.

We all need support sometimes and if you don’t feel that’s available to you among your friends and family, then I’d consider counselling.

As for your friend, she’s so immersed in her own issues, she hasn’t stopped to think about what you’re going through, so perhaps she needs a gentle reminder that you also have a lot to deal with as far as your son goes.

I find it hard to say no, too, but sometimes to be a good friend, you have to set boundaries or you’ll be no help to anyone.

So, in effect, what I’m saying is, you have to save yourself before you can save others.

There are ways to say no without it leading to a falling out or an argument and perhaps you can come up with some ideas to help your friend. Perhaps other people could step in to help with her children?

The bottom line is, it’s OK to be selfish sometimes – or practise “self-care” – and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

And once you prioritise your own needs, it will get easier to find the confidence to tell others when you’re unable to take something on.

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Dear Coleen

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