All right, kids, gather ’round. I’d like to have a little chat with you about breakfast.
I know you’ve been told time and time again that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and sure, I’ll give you that.
Truly, if you love breakfast, I’m happy for you.
But breakfast foods suck and you will never make me enjoy them.
Breakfast, literally, means you’re just breaking your fast. It just so happens that I prefer to break my fast with foods that actually taste good, not…eggs [shudders].
The LAST thing I am craving in the morning are any of these horrifying, disgusting, garbage foods:
Pancakes and waffles are just fancy sugar bread.
You guys, stop. The only way to make pancakes and waffles have flavor is to add more sugar.
I know right now you’re thinking that I’m a monster sugar-hater, but the thing is, I don’t hate sugar at all. I love sugar as if it were my own baby. Which is why I believe that sugar deserves to be consumed in something other than bland, brown, sponge patties.
(And before you say “You can make pancakes and waffles without sugar!!!!” I already thought of that, but I choose not to acknowledge cardboard as a food.)
Eggs should only be eaten on top of a burger.
I’ve seen the WomensHealthMag.com statistics and you people can’t get enough of eggs. WHY? First of all, they smell horrible. Second, they’re only good when you add what would typically be considered lunch foods to them. Like a poached egg on top of carbonara pasta, or even a meaty, savory quiche.
Scrambled eggs on their own are only delicious if you have 47 hours to cook them super-slow on low heat, until they are creamy and taste as close to cheese as you can get without being cheese, a life-saving trick I learned from Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook.
But I don’t have 47 hours to cook eggs. I barely have 47 spare minutes in my day. And I’m def not going to waste it eating freaking EGGS.
Oatmeal is just hot, wet dirt.
Oh, you like to add some flavor with cinnamon? You just made it look and feel even more like dirt. Way to go.
Toast…actually, fine. I’ll give you toast.
But that’s only because avocado toast is trendy enough now to eat for any meal. Bless you, Instagram.
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You guys want to know what I wake up in the morning craving, though? A burger. Like, nine times out of 10, I wake up wanting a burger. And every time, I resist eating that burger because… well, mostly because McDonald’s doesn’t switch their menu over until 11. But also, we’ve been conditioned to believe that eating burgers is weird before lunchtime. It has to stop!
So if you see me around New York eating a burger at 9 a.m., please wave. I’m just out here doing my part to destroy the myth that you only need to eat “breakfast foods” for breakfast. And if you’re nice to me, I might even put an egg on top.
Amanda Lucci is the senior social media editor for WomensHealthMag.com.
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